THINGS THAT ANNOY ME (part 1)

A list of my pet peeves. So far.

Welcome back to AND ANOTHER THING! The feedback on my first few newsletters—a love letter to New York and a fan letter to Miley Cyrus’s devotion to fashion—has been resounding. Where’s the edge? Where’s the grit?

Turns out some of you know New York isn’t all ❤️, and George Clooney’s Good Night and Good Luck wasn’t exactly Hamilton. Shout-out to Cole Escola, who beat George at the Tonys; isn’t it marvelous that a (self-described) “demon twink” can beat one of Hollywood’s favorite hunks in this town?

So, dear reader, you want social commentary. I get that. Easy. Done.

Let’s talk about pet peeves, which I have a lot of. To quote Academy Award-winning actress and comedic institution Whoopi Goldberg, “I don’t just have pet peeves. I have whole kennels of irritation.”

Years ago, I started a Notes folder to catalog my long list of irritants. (This was especially fulfilling because one of my pet peeves is disorganization.) For example, I don’t like people who say “Howareyou?” if they don’t really care how I am. (Publicists do this a lot, and it drives me nuts. Just say “nice to see you” and move on.) As I mentioned a few weeks ago, I dislike people who use poor grammar, especially in comment sections. And one of my biggest pet peeves is people who brush their teeth in front of me. Am I the only one whose teeth itch when they see that? I can’t even watch an actor brush their teeth on screen without closing my eyes. (Is that normal?)

Wait! Before I go through my list, I want to ask: What’s your biggest pet peeve? Tell me the first thing that comes to mind:

Now, back to me.

In no particular order, here are my biggest PET PEEVES (part 1, so far):

1. A handle on a ‘push’ door.

2. People who say, ‘This smells disgusting,’ and then ask if you want to smell it.

3. People who say, ‘This tastes gross,’ and then ask if you want to taste it.

4. Seeing someone cut their nails in public. I once saw someone trimming their toenails in an airport lounge and nearly missed my flight; I was so horrified I couldn’t stop watching.

5. When someone texts with just a “Hey,” and then waits for a response. I’ll wait.

6. People who wear concert T-shirts from heavy metal bands, but only listen to cheesy Top 40 music. If you think Slipknot is a Pilates position, you can’t wear that T-shirt. (By the way, I only listen to cheesy Top 40 music.)

7. Couples who share an Instagram. Yes, I’m talking about you, Chris, my brother. We all know you use Angie’s account.

8. People who say, “You only live once.” This is what selfish people say after they’ve done something foolish, like spend a lot of money on shoes or kiss their best friend’s boyfriend. I’m not saying it’s bad to splurge or be naughty (even though it is bad, obviously), but let’s not invoke the idea of mortality as a reason to validate inappropriate decision-making. What this phrase actually means is: “I made a mistake, I’m in denial, and I refuse to acknowledge it at this time.”

9. Nutella.

10. Also, people who can't believe I don’t like Nutella.

11. When someone says, “Can I get your honest opinion on this?” When they really mean, “Please tell me you love this.”

12. “Call me anytime.” When they really mean, “Don’t respond to this email.”

13. “He (or she) would have wanted that way (when they’re dead).” That’s bullshit. He (or she) would have wanted to be alive!

14. Being coughed on, sneezed on, or spat on, even if (and maybe especially if) it’s by accident. (And this was before COVID.)

15. “Do you have gum?” Your bad breath is your problem; quit asking me and everyone else to figure it out for you. Be prepared in life!

16. “Relax.” I swear, someone tells me to relax—or any variation of sentiment, including but not limited to “calm down” or “chill out”—I will rip your face off. Kisses!

17. “I could care less.” This one irks me because it’s grammatically inaccurate. If you could care less, you would. You mean you couldn’t care less.

18. “Irregardless.” That’s not even a real word!

19. “LOL” or, even worse, “ROTFL.” Don’t be cute. Just go “Haha,” like an adult.

20. “To play the devil’s advocate…” No one knows the devil better than I do, and he doesn’t need your advocacy. What this means is: “I hate your idea and here’s my much better opinion.”

21. “It’s not the bark, it’s the bite.” Nah, I find the bark pretty annoying too.

22. “With all due respect.” Anyone who starts a sentence with this line is about to disrespect you. Why don’t we just say what we mean: “What I’m about to say is really mean, but by starting with this, you’ll just have to take it.”

23. “No offense, but…” Same as above.

24. “To be frank…” Same as above.

25. Hotels that charge for internet. F you!

26. Online stores that charge for shipping. F you, too!

27. “I’m sorry you feel that way.” This means: “I still don’t think you’re right.”

28. People who eat bananas and make eye contact.

29. When people with bad rhythm sit in the front row of a spin class.

30. People who speak loudly on the phone in public spaces, like before a plane takes off or on a train or when they’re ordering a coffee at Starbucks.

31. People who say ‘like’ when they mean ‘said.’ Example: “She was like, ‘I was going to wear that,’ and then I was like, ‘I put it on first,’ and she was like, ‘It looks better on me,’ and I was like, ‘Shut up, Brenda.’” The verb you’re looking for is ‘said.’ You said, “Shut up, Brenda.”

32. Slow walkers in the street, at the airport, in a mall, or leaving a concert. Slow walkers anywhere, really.

33. Slow talkers.

34. Close talkers.

35. Seeing phones on the dinner table. OK, so maybe it’s fine to have your phone out at lunchtime, if it’s a workday, and your boss is a jerk. But never put your phone on the dinner table. (The only exception is if you're expecting a child or have a sick family member.)

36. Public displays of affection. I’m sure it says a lot more about me than the people who are kissing and heavily petting in public. But if I see a couple holding hands on the street, I have this uncontrollable urge to barge between them.

37. The use of the word ‘Babe,’ unless you’re talking about a pig in a Disney movie.

38. Children in animal print clothing, unless it’s Halloween and they’re dressed up like a cat. (Or unless you’re a fabulous gay couple with their newborns in leopard print Baby Bjorns. Look at us!)

    

39. Very young women carrying Hermes handbags, or Louboutin stilettos, or expensive jewelry. Sweetie, if you’re carrying around a $40,000 handbag when you’re 18, literally what else do you have to look forward to for the rest of your life?

40. Rectangular placemats on a circular table.

41. Wasps. (The insects, not the people, whom I adore.)

42. Unnecessarily long emails full of fluff from someone who wants something specific but feels obliged to include a wordy preamble. Skip the fake pleasantries and get straight to the point, no weather updates or faux ‘how are yous’ required.

43. People who are inconsiderate to waiters or any member of the service industry. It reveals a great deal about a person.

44. And my worst pet peeve: PEOPLE WHO MAKE LISTS. It’s like, Get a life! :)

AND ANOTHER ANOTHER THING: On Tuesday, Vanity Fair announced its new top editor: Mark Guiducci, longtime Condé Nast editor and one of the very first paid subscribers to AND ANOTHER THING. The first time I laid eyes on Mark was a decade and a half ago at 4 Times Square, Condé Nast’s previous headquarters, when he was a fresh-out-of-Princeton editorial assistant at Vanity Fair. Since then, we’ve been coworkers (at Vogue, where he currently works, and Garage, where he was editor) and have become great friends. I’m thrilled for his full circle moment, and can’t wait to see how he builds this iconic title’s illustrious new chapter.

(I know, he has his phone on the dinner table. Rude!)

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Derek C. Blasberg